I'm scared of swimming in the sea

but I love being in the sea!

I go into the ocean once a month. I’ve gone in every single month since March of 2021, which incidentally is also when I decided to make my eating disorder a much larger problem for myself. It was a conscious decision and a very stupid one. I’m so much better and more okay now, but I find it’s extremely difficult to write about that stuff without inadvertently playing back into it, getting jealous of my former self, or accidentally making someone else think too hard about it. I wanted to mention it, though, because I always tell people that I go into the ocean for no reason other than “I love the ocean”, and that’s not true. I also go into the ocean because I want that habit to outlive every other habit. It’s an aspect of myself that will last longer than any iteration of my weird relationship to food and exercise and whatever else goes on.

The sea, March 2021

I’m too scared to swim in the ocean properly. Like, out away from the shore, open water distance swimming. My winter monthly “swims” consist of walking out into chest-deep waters, staring out at the container ships as I scan for a seal, dunking my head, and rushing back out to my towel. I’ve lost my water shoes so my feet have been extra cold this winter. In the summer, my friends and I paddle out and tread water and gossip like no one around can hear us. I love being in the water, but I can’t bring myself to actually go out and swim. I’m certain that I’m going to drown.

Here are some facts:

• I’m a pretty okay swimmer! There’s a pool in the city that’s about 140m long and I can go back and forth a couple of times without needing significant rest, so I think I’ve got a decent base to build off of.

• Wetsuits make you more buoyant! I can just get a wetsuit and some new water shoes and I would get one of those little buoy things for safety, visibility (and to hold my keys). There are tools available to me that make this doable.

• There are local groups I could join that can teach me where to go and what to bring, and they have lifeguards on duty during set times.

• I run, and running is probably bad for my knees! Low impact exercise would be a good idea!!

• There are no dangerous animals where I live. Unless I end up becoming the first ever human killed by an orca in the wild (sort of a dream of mine), there is no risk on that front.

I like the idea of making use of more public pools and rec centres, but I feel like this is something I have to conquer. I love the sea. I’m obsessed with it. I cannot be far from it for too long or I get sad. Do you believe in horoscopes? I don’t really but yes, I am a Cancer. I have to swim out to sea.

One of my favourite monthly swims - September 2021, Baltic Sea

I’m going to start going to the public pools and training myself to swim better so that I’m less scared of drowning. I don’t know if that will help because the drowning fear probably has more to do with some sort of anxiety problem, but I think that putting a bit more time into swimming can’t hurt, right?

Why would you care? I’m not sure! But I’m sharing this so that I have to do it. It’s 2025 and I’m going to properly swim in the ocean one day. Maybe it will be a new, good habit.